“Life is about time. Spend more time than you do money on others. Give time more than any other gift. Also, take time when you need to. Take time for you when you need it. Sometimes time is all we have with the people we love the most. I ask you to slow down in life. To take your time, but don’t waste it.”
― Emma Heatherington,
Every day when we wake up, we should say thank you and smile with happiness that we are alive. We have more time.
The most important thing we need to realize is life does not guaranteed from one breathe we take to the next, that there will be a next breathe.
Do you think about time? I would guess it is human nature to assume there will be more.
Time is the most precious thing we have. It is the most valuable, yet we waste it every day. We take it for granted.
Maybe we should ask ourselves at the end of each day how we spent our time. Did we do what we wanted to? Did we enjoy our time? Did we help someone, smile at someone, and make them feel special?
Do you have a plan? What do you want your life to mean? Is there something that you want to achieve? What is the most important?
If you did not have one more day to spend, what would you want to do today?
Spend your precious time on what is most important.
Make a plan. Every day have a detailed plan for how you will spend your time. What are your most important priorities for each day? Do those first and then fill in your time with the less essential tasks you need to complete.
When someone asks you to do something, before you commit your time, ask yourself if it will add value to your day. If the answer is no, politely decline.
Always make family time and self-care a priority in your day. Include time for exercise, reading, smiles, and hugs, and those activities that make you happy. Do not forget self-reflection at the end of each day.
When you have any free time, use it to do what is going to create a better you, a better life.
It is easy to be sucked into activities that do not benefit us. Learn to say no. It may not be easy to do, especially at first, but it is important.
Let co-workers, friends, and family know you have a specific time limit on phone calls, emails, text messages, etc. Tell them you may not be able to give them an immediate response and to expect an answer within a specific time frame.
Social media can be an easy sinkhole to get mired in. It is a time-waster. Do not get sucked into that pit. Use it only as needed and get out. Ask yourself if this is a valuable use of your time. Set a time limit and adhere to it; use a timer if necessary.
Do not waste time worrying about past events or what other people are doing or what they think. Focus on what is beneficial to you, your goals, and what is important to you.
Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.”
Time is priceless. We cannot buy more. Once we use it, it is gone forever. Make a plan; how are you going to spend your time? Use it wisely.
I have included a letter here written by someone who came face to face with the value of time and hoped she could help others realize the value of the gift we receive each day.
On the 4th of January, Holly Butcher, at the age of 27, lost her battle with Ewing’s sarcoma, a rare form of cancer that affects mostly young people.
Before she died, the Grafton woman penned a letter which she asked her family to post on her Facebook account once she was gone.
As always, thank your for reading my blog. Have a great day!
If someone treats you like crap, just remember that there’s something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings.”
Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Wikipedia
Both Verbal abuse and Emotional abuse are insidious and may not always be easy to recognize. We often hear about Abusive relationships but they usually refer to Physical abuse. Physical abuse is what makes the headlines and what people are arrested for; that is what restraining orders are given for.
If you hear someone talking about their partner and how upset they are, they don’t know what to do and it is so difficult, you may ask what is wrong. When they try to explain it to you it may be difficult for them to express it in such a way that you will understand the trauma they are feeling. Quite often we may not take it seriously.
We may be inclined to think it is just someone having a bad day or going through a “rough patch” in their relationship which will pass by and everything will get better. It is easy for us to give them easy answers telling them it will get better, just give it a little time and then it is over in our mind; we move on. Sadly, we may never ask them about it the next time we see them or talk to them. Sadder yet is they may feel we do not care or they are embarrassed and don’t want to bring it up again.
Even worse is when they do not even realize themselves that anything is wrong. They never mention it, we do not see the effects it is having, and life and the abuse goes on.
When you start a new relationship everyone is on their best behavior.
It is new and exciting. We are happy and we want it to work. It is very difficult to recognize someone who has the tendency to be abusive because they are very good at not showing that side of them when in a new situation. They will usually be on their best behavior when out in public.
” They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.” –Augusten Burroughs
As the relationship evolves that is when the abuse will slowly seep into our every day normal activities. Something as simple as not putting a dish in the sink or not putting the cap on the toothpaste is enough to be criticized for. We brush it off and try not to do it again. If we make light of it and make a laughing retort their response will be much stronger and turn it around to blame you. Something like, “Are you making fun of me ? How dare you laugh at me.” “This is serious, do as you’re told; don’t act like a child”.
As time goes by this type of verbal and emotional abuse will continue and get increasingly worse. It will be a progressive, continual process where you become gradually used to it, so much so that we do not even realize it is happening. We may secretly question it once in awhile but quickly brush it aside.
To the person who is being abused, especially long term, they do not truly recognize what has happened. They may not feel well sometimes, have headaches or problems with their overall well being. They may lose interest in doing things they once loved to do, they may lose friendships and not realize why. Things that were important before do not receive the attention they once did. You may lose or gain weight. You may get passed over for a promotion at work because you are no longer able to put in the same quality work effort.
Quite often the abused person ends up losing their self esteem; their self confidence is gone. A once vibrant person who was happy and enjoyed life slowly turns into someone who does not smile and may find it difficult to complete things they once thrived on doing. They may be the happiest, most secure, when they are home and away from other people. Sadly, they will likely feel dependent on the person that is the abuser. That is just what the abuser wants.
“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison” – Augusten Burroughs
So how do you recognize that you are in this type of abusive relationship ? How do you end the relationship ?
Sadly, some people will never recognize they are in an abusive relationship. If someone else does not recognize the situation and step in to help them they may live the rest of their life with the same person and the same abuse.
Depending on the type of person you are, or used to be before the abuse, something may happen that makes you realize. It may trigger something inside you that you says’enough is enough”. I cannot live this way any longer.
Maybe you have a child and the abuser starts to abuse the child. You recognize what is happening and understand the effects. You could not see it in yourself but you can see it in your child.
Perhaps someone who cares does recognize that something is wrong. It could be a parent or family member trying to step in to help you. It could be your priest or minister who recognizes that something is wrong and questions you.
When that happens what do you do ? It will be different for each person and it may be a very difficult decision. You may want to try to “fix” it and that is certainly an option but one that should be taken with great care. If you want to fix it you should seek professional help for both people. Both people are broken at this point so they both need to be fixed. You may never know or understand why the person became an abuser and it may not be possible to fix them.
Quite often someone who has been abused long term will be “programmed” to the abuse and will have to guard against entering into another abusive relationship. That is another very good reason to seek professional help. You will need to understand the abuse, the cycle it takes, and the signs to look for. If you see them, you should run as fast a you can to get away from another abusive experience.
Usually, it is better to end the relationship and to do so quickly. Walk away and end all contact. It will be too easy to be drawn back in because the abuser is usually a master manipulator. They will know you well and they will know how to control you. Do not give them that opportunity. You may be fearful; particularly of the abuser. That is normal.
A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.”
Take back control of your life. Move if you have to, change your phone number and all your social media. Talk to your friends and family and tell them, beg them, not to give the abuser any information about you, nothing. Build a new life. Take time, be careful of your choices, and be happy.
You are starting a new chapter in your life and you are the one to decide what you want to do. What activity did you really like to do before ? Maybe you can do that again. Maybe it was something creative, like drawing, or physical, like Yoga. Do that or try something new. Go on vacation; where have you dreamed about going ?
When you are ready to talk about what happened; let it all out and get rid of it; just like throwing out the trash. By doing so you are also building something brand new. You. Maybe you can talk to a support group with other people who have experienced the same thing. Maybe a circle of really good friends, or just one, who you would be comfortable sharing you story. Maybe writing it all down in a journal if you are not ready to talk about it yet.
Be positive. You have an opportunity to rewrite your life. Something that most people will never have, or take the opportunity, to do. You are strong, you are a survivor. Congratulations.
As always, Thank You for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day.
This is an updated repost of Recognizing Verbal and Emotional Abuse
“He who is different from me does not impoverish me – he enriches me. Our unity is constituted in something higher than ourselves – in Man… For no man seeks to hear his own echo, or to find his reflection in the glass.” #Diversity #Life Lessons
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
As always, thanks for stopping by. Have a nice day.
It is easy to forget we are not alone. When I was working in the garden this morning with my cat, Isabella and talking to her about what I wanted to do today, it suddenly popped into my head that she was my friend. She was easier to talk to than anyone.
That’s great and I have no problem with that. I am quite content with having a cat as my best friend.
She really is my therapist. I can talk to her about everything and she is not judgmental. I always feel better after our conversations. She helps me sort through my thoughts and my emotions. She calms me down.
Hold on a second. Do you ever talk to your animals like they are humans? If you do, good for you because you have an outlet for all your “stuff”. You know. The things you may not be comfortable talking about. Maybe you do not have anyone to talk to or more importantly someone who will listen, truly listen. Someone who cares enough.
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”
Why is it that we do not listen? Thank goodness for Isabella and all the other animals that fill the void left by humans.
How do we fill that void in ourselves? Can we teach ourselves to listen with intention?
We are trainable in most every aspect of our lives. We learn all sorts of skills throughout our life at all different ages, young and old. I hope we have the ability to learn to listen.
There are a few life skills that immediately come to mind. We talk and write about them all the time. We talk about how important they are for our personal and professional lives.
Sympathy and Compassion are certainly life skills we should all have. Both are important. Sympathy means the act or capacity for sharing the painful feelings of another. Compassion is feeling sympathy toward someone’s pain together with a desire to alleviate it. Both require the ability to listen and comprehend the feelings of another person.
How about Mindfulness? What exactly is mindfulness? According to the dictionary it is a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
Certainly focusing one’s awareness on the present moment would apply wouldn’t it? The problem being that in this definition the focus is on one’s self not the other person.
What about Empathy? Empathy is simply recognizing emotions in others, and being able to “put yourself in another person’s shoes” – understanding the other person’s perspective and reality.
Okay, to be empathetic you have to think beyond yourself and your own concerns. So guess what? We would need to listen, really listen, to be able to understand the other person’s reality.
Gosh darn, cats are good at this you know? I always feel great after talking to Isabella.
How do we learn to Listen? How can we become more Mindful, show more Sympathy and Compassion and be Empathetic?
Put yourself in the moment, not your moment but rather their moment. How is the other person acting? Do you have any idea why they are acting, or reacting, that way in that moment?
What attitude do you have? Do you want to win or overpower the other person? Do you want to move on without understanding or do you want to respect them by acknowledging their opinion?
How about simply asking the other person to explain their opinion? That should be the easiest thing to do right? Now you can put your listening skills to the test.
So you have asked the question, are you truly going to listen? Body language is key here. Believe me if you are not listening the other person will know. Be careful about what message you are conveying.
Listening is a skill. When you truly want to listen to what the other person is saying you are going to use their body language to judge them and to help you understand. Just like they are using yours.
Listen and block out other distractions. Is the phone ringing, is there someone else talking? Get rid of the distractions.
Listen to what they are saying. What tone of voice are they using?
Watch them as they are speaking. Are they making eye contact? Are they sitting or standing with their body turned away from you? Are they hunched over? Are they showing emotion?
By listening and watching their body language you may feel like they are not being totally open or honest. You may see their fear or apprehension.
To truly show empathy you have to care and attempt to understand what they are feeling. What are they saying? Do you understand? Do you care? If you do not care they will know.
It has been my experience that when you are truly empathizing with someone you will know that you have been able to connect with them. You will know and so will they. If you are able to achieve that then you have been successful. Keep that door open. Let them know you will be happy to talk to them at any time.
Sound easy? Ask my cat. She’s an expert!
As always, thank you for reading my blog. Have a great day!