“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”— Bertrand Russell
As always, thanks for stopping by. Have a fearless day!
“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”— Bertrand Russell
As always, thanks for stopping by. Have a fearless day!
“There are two kinds of people. One kind, you can just tell by looking at them at what point they congealed into their final selves. It might be a very nice self, but you know you can expect no more surprises from it. Whereas, the other kind keep moving, changing… They are fluid. They keep moving forward and making new trysts with life, and the motion of it keeps them young. In my opinion, they are the only people who are still alive. You must be constantly on your guard against congealing.”― Gail Godwin
That quote paints this vivid image in my mind of a congealed mass, something like gravy left in a pan on the stove, or the food I feed my cat sitting in its bowl. Yuck!
I wonder, is that what our brain looks like as we age and we give up on life? When we decide our life is enough, we are content, and no longer interested in new ideas, or embracing change, does our brain congeal?
Let’s face it; there is a multitude of people that do choose to stop, and they are not all old. You see them everywhere you go, and you can tell by watching them, viewing their interactions, and listening to them talk.
Zombies come to mind. What the heck! I wonder about so many things, in particular, the way people think and act. I have always been an observer, so this is nothing new. I do it with everyone; I watch people, and I wonder what their life is like. What do they think about? What experiences have they lived through? Are they happy or sad?
Isn’t it strange how you can meet someone once or twice and make a judgment about them? Sometimes, we are spot on, and sometimes we are way off base. When I am observing other people, I wonder what judgment they are making about me.
I am an introvert, so I am happy and content to sit back and be the observer. My husband is much more outgoing then I am. He interacts easily and loves to talk to other people. I assume that outside observers, casual acquaintances, would easily make very different judgments about each of us.
As I am wondering about how we interact with one another, I am also curious about how we play the game and the effect our mindset has on our life and interactions.
When I started this blog, it was all about my mindset. I was fearful of growing old. I did not want to become a congealing blob of inactivity, and I did not want to settle for the here and now. I was afraid I would accept the status quo and stop attempting to learn and grow.
I made the right decision. Each day I stretch my brain in some way. I do a lot of reading and research, and I am learning. By doing so, I find my curiosity expanding. I do get frustrated sometimes because I want to do more. I am not settling for less.
So where are you? What is your mindset, and what are you doing to stay active, mentally, and physically?
It does not matter what age you are, where you live, or if you are working or retired. There is never a time when you should stop learning and improving.
Wake up each day and smile. Have a plan for what you want to do, and always believe it is going to be a good day. When you start each day with a positive mindset, the chances are increased that you will indeed have a good day. Need some help being positive? Read positive quotes; they do help.
Focus on the good things in your life. There will always be irritants, but there will always be good things too.
There is no such thing as pure perfection. We are told all the time to strive for perfection, and, yes, it is a good practice to do your best work. We can always improve and should have a personal goal of growth, but not perfection.
Live in the present. What happened in the past is over, and there is nothing you can do to change it. Learn from the experience, but do not dwell there. Tomorrow is just that. You have goals, and you have a plan, but focus on what you are doing today. Be present in every moment, enjoy it and make the most out of everything you do.
Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”Wayne Dyer
As always, thank you for reading my blog today. Enjoy today.
If someone treats you like crap, just remember that there’s something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings.”
Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Wikipedia
Both Verbal abuse and Emotional abuse are insidious and may not always be easy to recognize. We often hear about Abusive relationships but they usually refer to Physical abuse. Physical abuse is what makes the headlines and what people are arrested for; that is what restraining orders are given for.
If you hear someone talking about their partner and how upset they are, they don’t know what to do and it is so difficult, you may ask what is wrong. When they try to explain it to you it may be difficult for them to express it in such a way that you will understand the trauma they are feeling. Quite often we may not take it seriously.
We may be inclined to think it is just someone having a bad day or going through a “rough patch” in their relationship which will pass by and everything will get better. It is easy for us to give them easy answers telling them it will get better, just give it a little time and then it is over in our mind; we move on. Sadly, we may never ask them about it the next time we see them or talk to them. Sadder yet is they may feel we do not care or they are embarrassed and don’t want to bring it up again.
Even worse is when they do not even realize themselves that anything is wrong. They never mention it, we do not see the effects it is having, and life and the abuse goes on.
When you start a new relationship everyone is on their best behavior.
It is new and exciting. We are happy and we want it to work. It is very difficult to recognize someone who has the tendency to be abusive because they are very good at not showing that side of them when in a new situation. They will usually be on their best behavior when out in public.
” They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.” – Augusten Burroughs
As the relationship evolves that is when the abuse will slowly seep into our every day normal activities. Something as simple as not putting a dish in the sink or not putting the cap on the toothpaste is enough to be criticized for. We brush it off and try not to do it again. If we make light of it and make a laughing retort their response will be much stronger and turn it around to blame you. Something like, “Are you making fun of me ? How dare you laugh at me.” “This is serious, do as you’re told; don’t act like a child”.
As time goes by this type of verbal and emotional abuse will continue and get increasingly worse. It will be a progressive, continual process where you become gradually used to it, so much so that we do not even realize it is happening. We may secretly question it once in awhile but quickly brush it aside.
To the person who is being abused, especially long term, they do not truly recognize what has happened. They may not feel well sometimes, have headaches or problems with their overall well being. They may lose interest in doing things they once loved to do, they may lose friendships and not realize why. Things that were important before do not receive the attention they once did. You may lose or gain weight. You may get passed over for a promotion at work because you are no longer able to put in the same quality work effort.
Quite often the abused person ends up losing their self esteem; their self confidence is gone. A once vibrant person who was happy and enjoyed life slowly turns into someone who does not smile and may find it difficult to complete things they once thrived on doing. They may be the happiest, most secure, when they are home and away from other people. Sadly, they will likely feel dependent on the person that is the abuser. That is just what the abuser wants.
“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison” – Augusten Burroughs
So how do you recognize that you are in this type of abusive relationship ? How do you end the relationship ?
Sadly, some people will never recognize they are in an abusive relationship. If someone else does not recognize the situation and step in to help them they may live the rest of their life with the same person and the same abuse.
Depending on the type of person you are, or used to be before the abuse, something may happen that makes you realize. It may trigger something inside you that you says’enough is enough”. I cannot live this way any longer.
Maybe you have a child and the abuser starts to abuse the child. You recognize what is happening and understand the effects. You could not see it in yourself but you can see it in your child.
Perhaps someone who cares does recognize that something is wrong. It could be a parent or family member trying to step in to help you. It could be your priest or minister who recognizes that something is wrong and questions you.
When that happens what do you do ? It will be different for each person and it may be a very difficult decision. You may want to try to “fix” it and that is certainly an option but one that should be taken with great care. If you want to fix it you should seek professional help for both people. Both people are broken at this point so they both need to be fixed. You may never know or understand why the person became an abuser and it may not be possible to fix them.
Quite often someone who has been abused long term will be “programmed” to the abuse and will have to guard against entering into another abusive relationship. That is another very good reason to seek professional help. You will need to understand the abuse, the cycle it takes, and the signs to look for. If you see them, you should run as fast a you can to get away from another abusive experience.
Usually, it is better to end the relationship and to do so quickly. Walk away and end all contact. It will be too easy to be drawn back in because the abuser is usually a master manipulator. They will know you well and they will know how to control you. Do not give them that opportunity. You may be fearful; particularly of the abuser. That is normal.
A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.”Autumn Kohler
Take back control of your life. Move if you have to, change your phone number and all your social media. Talk to your friends and family and tell them, beg them, not to give the abuser any information about you, nothing. Build a new life. Take time, be careful of your choices, and be happy.
You are starting a new chapter in your life and you are the one to decide what you want to do. What activity did you really like to do before ? Maybe you can do that again. Maybe it was something creative, like drawing, or physical, like Yoga. Do that or try something new. Go on vacation; where have you dreamed about going ?
When you are ready to talk about what happened; let it all out and get rid of it; just like throwing out the trash. By doing so you are also building something brand new. You. Maybe you can talk to a support group with other people who have experienced the same thing. Maybe a circle of really good friends, or just one, who you would be comfortable sharing you story. Maybe writing it all down in a journal if you are not ready to talk about it yet.
Be positive. You have an opportunity to rewrite your life. Something that most people will never have, or take the opportunity, to do. You are strong, you are a survivor. Congratulations.
As always, Thank You for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day.
This is an updated repost of Recognizing Verbal and Emotional Abuse
“I didn’t love all of the sketches I made, but I loved the experience of making them. I was present in that moment, paying attention to the world around me. Whether the end result is an artistic success or not, it’s always a worthwhile endeavor.”~ Miss Mustard Seed
As always, thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful day.
“How many people are completely successful in every department of life? Not one. The most successful people are the ones who learn from their mistakes and turn their failures into opportunities.”~ Zig Ziglar
Life is full of ups and downs. Each of us will have success, and each of us will experience failure. It is what we do with each of those experiences that shape us. The decisions we make will make us who we are in the future.
We will not always get it right, and we will look back and wish we had done some things differently. We can. We may not be able to go back to that exact moment in time, but we can make some corrections that may soften the impact. We can become better.
Setbacks come in all different sizes. Small setbacks will be easier to correct and will have a minimal negative affect. Make a few changes and move on.
There may come a day when you have a setback that makes you feel like the ground opened up and swallowed you. It hurts, and you feel overwhelmed. You feel like there is little help to fix it, save your job, or your relationship, whatever the situation may be.
Whatever the situation you find yourself in, you can work through it. When you look back, you will realize you are stronger because of the setback. You will feel better. You will feel stronger and more confident.
If there has been a significant setback at work, the first day you walk into the building, or into a meeting, might make you want to crumble. You will get over it. Hold your head high, nod at co-workers, smile, say hi. Get on with it.
It may not be easy, but it is necessary to acknowledge what happened. You may not want to at first; you may feel like hiding, denying, and pretending it didn’t happen. You can’t do that.
Take some time to assimilate what happened. Do not jump to conclusions or make hasty decisions. Do not place blame on yourself, or others, too quickly. That can be an automatic response, and it may be incorrect. Now is not the time to burn bridges with an inappropriate response. Do not turn in your resignation.
Once you have your balance back, and you have accepted that it happened, it is time to develop a plan for moving forward. What do you want to do, what will make you comfortable, and how do you want to move forward. You want to do damage control and minimize the impact on your career or your relationship.
Do you know and trust someone who may have gone through a setback themselves? Do you respect how they handled it and moved forward? Make contact with them and ask for advice. Check out articles on the internet for suggestions. If you are having a difficult time coping, you may want to seek the help of a professional counselor.
By this time, you may have done some soul searching. If not, I encourage you to do so. You must do an in depth analysis of what happened. What was your part in it? Trust me; you also have a role in it. Figure out what it is and how you can fix it. Also, analyze your workplace, the culture of the organization, your bosses, and coworkers. Are they a good fit? Is this where you want to be for the long term?
You have to understand your role, how you came to that point, and why you made specific decisions. To move forward, you need to know yourself and what will benefit you in the future. Make a plan and a strategy for implementing it.
Once you have a strategy, put it into action. Move ahead one step at a time. Make sure you are comfortable and do a reassessment. When everything feels right, then push forward. Be sure to measure your progress as you go. Once you have gotten to this point, you will start to feel better about yourself and regain confidence.
When you have weathered the storm and come out on the other side, you will recognize a new you. You will know yourself better, have a new outlook, and understand what is important to you. Setbacks suck, yes they do, but how you handle them will make you grow as a person. You will be stronger and more confident. You will have respect for the process and yourself.
“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”~ Steve Maraboli
As always, thank you for reading my blog today. Have a wonderful day!
Don’t judge people for the choices they make when you don’t know the options they had to choose from”~ unknown author
As always, thanks for stopping by. Choose to be happy today!
“You can have anything you want if you are willing to give up the belief that you can’t have it.”~ Dr. Robert Anthony
Self Esteem is how we feel about ourselves. It is essential to have a positive perception of ourselves and our abilities.
Some of us appear to have a naturally positive attitude and always feel good about themselves. Other people may not, and It affects their day to day activities. I believe it is normal to have an ebb and flow based on what experiences we have and how we respond to them.
Let’s face it; we all have our good and bad days. We can be affected by our family, our friends, our co-workers, and strangers that we interact with by chance. We are affected by the nightly news and the negativity we find there.
Sometimes we are our harshest critic. When we do something wrong, we might berate ourselves with snide, nasty little comments. Been there, done that. How many times have I said to myself, ” That was dumb, why did you do that; it was stupid.” We also might think, “OMG. I hope no one saw or heard me; that was so embarrassing!”
On the other side of that is the possibility of praising ourselves. Do we? No, usually we do not recognize our worth, and we do nothing to acknowledge we were successful. We should; it is good for our self-esteem. Why do we tend to knock ourselves down, but we do nothing to build ourselves up?
We all have strengths and weaknesses. We need to focus on our strengths and work to keep improving them. We should not focus on our shortcomings or allow them to influence our decisions. I do think we need to be aware of what weaknesses we may have. We can look for ways to improve and turn the weaknesses into growth opportunities.
My attitude is that if you push me towards something that you think is a weakness, then I will turn that perceived weakness into a strength.”~ Michael Jordan
Our self-esteem, or how we view ourselves, will influence the decisions we make. If we have high self-esteem and feel great about ourselves, it motivates us to have a productive day, get up, and do something meaningful. We want to be successful, and we want to improve. We have a positive attitude and will make the most of every situation.
If you have low self-esteem, you are less likely to be motivated. You believe that you cannot succeed, or that it will be too hard. Maybe you can do this portion of a job, but you think you are not smart enough to complete it. Because you doubt your capabilities, you are less likely to push yourself to do more, and you allow yourself to be stagnant. You think there is no sense putting in the time because you know it will be a disaster.
How can we improve, feel better about ourselves, and improve our self-esteem?
Recognize your strengths. Everyone has something they are good at, and they also have things they are not as good at doing. Examples might be someone who is outstanding in their math abilities, but has difficulty describing concepts. Maybe someone is creative and an excellent artist, but they have terrible communication skills. Do not doubt yourself because you have trouble explaining something, or do not like interacting with someone. Focus on what you are confident about and good at doing.
Practice mindfulness. Be aware of your thoughts and do not engage in any negative self-talk. When you find yourself being self-critical, be mindful of your thoughts, and remind yourself that they are only thoughts. Thoughts are not facts; they are annoying little bits of negativity, but they are not valid. Shift your way of thinking and focus on your abilities and positive attributes.
Use affirmations. The use of affirmations can be empowering. We all have these ingrained beliefs about ourselves that are not true, but they have a hold on us. Get rid of the negative nuggets you carry with you by replacing them with an affirmative statement. Make a list of affirmations. Write down the little negative nuggets and develop an affirmation about them. Choose an affirmation that is the opposite of the negative belief. Examples might be:
“I have the knowledge and experience to be promoted this year.”
“My boss values my opinion.” “I am creative.”
“I am going to work hard until I am successful.” “I have a positive attitude.”
Make a list of positive affirmations and read them every day. Keep the list where you can look at it multiple times a day or when you start having negative thoughts.
Accept Compliments. How many times have you shrugged off a compliment you have received. Instead of denying a compliment and having negative thoughts such as, “Oh, they really do not mean that. ‘ or “They are just saying that because they think they have to.” Take a few moments to respond and to contemplate the compliment. Respond with a “Thank you” or “What a nice thing to say”. When you accept compliments, they will have a positive influence and raise your self-esteem.
Practice Self Compassion. When something negative happens, such as not getting a promotion that you wanted, instead of beating yourself up and dwelling in negativity, try some self-compassion. We are compassionate toward our friends and important people in our life, so we should do the same for ourselves. Think about the conversations you had with a friend when they were working through a problem. What did you say to them to make them feel better? Do the same for yourself. Help build your self-esteem instead of knocking it down. As we often tell others, “You’ve got this.”
Building our self-esteem does take some effort, particularly if we have just had a setback or disappointment. You may enjoy helping others improve, and you should feel the same about yourself. It requires strengthening your talents, developing new ones, and creating habits like those listed above. You’ve got this; you can do it!
As always, thank you for reading my blog. Have a great day!